Friends are awesome. People with close friends are happier, healthier, saner1, and they live longer2.
Unfortunately, friendships are in decline. “I have no friends” is a common complaint of our times. Although humanity is more connected than ever thanks to the internet and smartphones, modern humans have an increasingly harder time making friends.
Urban living, the rise of individualism, helicopter parenting, busy schedules, and the decline of face-to-face communications made it harder for modern people to build and maintain friendships.
Although both sexes are affected by the decline in friendships, men took a harder hit than women due to the biological differences between the sexes and the current state of society. It’s no surprise that in modernized societies the average woman lives 5 to 7 years longer than the average man.
Here are the reasons why friendships between men deteriorated more than friendships between women:
- Modern men have gone soft. The majority of modern men being effeminate, pussy-whipped, self-loathing fruitcakes resulted in a declining pool of friendship prospects. A soft man is not worth befriending nor he’s looking for friends as long as he’s in a relationship.
- There are fewer male-only environments. Previously male-only environments such as the workplace, bars, sports clubs, travel destinations, and even the army are increasingly infiltrated by women. Fewer men’s spaces mean fewer male friendships. The popularity of the cult movie Fight Club is in part a manifestation of the yearning of the modern men for male-only communities. Men tend to connect and bond with each other in the presence of a common purpose while women can connect for no other reason than a connection is better for them than loneliness.
- Having friends ceased to be a requirement for survival. Joining forces with other men increased a man’s chances of survival in tribal times, which no longer is the case in modern times. Probably none of us civilians will starve or die due to a lack of friends. This optionality makes friendships disposable.
- The war against men. Feminists and their enablers successfully branded masculinity as toxic. Except for a handful of men who stubbornly refuse to make concessions to their masculinity, the majority of the modern men folded under the pressure and handed their balls to their enemies. As male camaraderie is a core aspect of masculinity, the current war against men wreaks havoc on modern men’s ability to form solid friendships with each other.
Why Male Friendships Matter
Forming friendships with other men is an integral part of living a masculine and happy life.
Historically, men have been teaming up for a common purpose such as hunting or fighting against a common enemy. Bonding with fellow men meant better chances for survival.
After the industrial revolution, hunting ceased to be a necessity for survival and the fighting skills of the common man are no longer required for maintaining the security of the tribe as this task is institutionalized into the police and the army.
Men’s biological urge to connect with each other is the result of tens of thousands of years of evolution and wouldn’t suddenly disappear due to rapid changes in the fabric of society. Men started inventing reasons to come together for a common purpose. The emergence of team sports didn’t coincide with the industrial revolution accidentally. Teaming up against an opponent via a sports game is merely a representation of the male urge to bond with each other and fight for a common purpose.
Our biological urge to form friendships is still there but the modern man is no longer able to form friendships with each other, due to the reasons I outlined above. The modern man attempted to fill this biological void by becoming friends with his wife or girlfriend and the result has been misery for both him and his woman.
Why Male-Female Relationships Are No Substitutes For Male Camaraderie
If the typical modern man finds a girlfriend or a wife, he treats friendships with men as redundant. A friendless man treats his woman as if she’s also a friend, which is a big mistake since relationships with the opposite sex and friendships serve different purposes in a man’s life.
A good friend understands your troubles and weaknesses and helps you deal with them. However, a woman finds it impossible to tolerate a man’s weaknesses. Women are attracted to strong men. Opening up to your woman about your troubles and weaknesses will cause her to lose attraction for you.
Having male friends prevents you from making your woman the center of your life. A woman hates a man whose life revolves around her. She wants to be a part of a strong man’s life, not be the center of his world.
A good friend has your back in case a fight breaks out, something which no woman is capable of. A woman instantly becomes a burden in case of a physical altercation because now you not only have to fight for yourself but you also have to protect her.
Most men believe that spending time with their friends will harm their relationship with their women. This is false because a man with a handful of close friends is a relief for a woman. A man with a crew of friends is less needy which is good for him because women hate needy men.
Last but not least, a man with no friends is vulnerable to a possible divorce, break up or, God forbid, the death of his significant other. Women recover faster and better in each case because they usually have their social support systems in place whereas men often have to fight the trauma off on their own, which is a difficult task which they often fail at.
Fret Not (Yet) If You Have No Friends
Here’s some good news before we delve into how to make friends.
First of all, as a man, you are naturally better at handling loneliness. The ability to handle loneliness is an asset that will come in handy in the meantime while you are building up the skills to make friends.
Second, you aren’t static. Things might have not worked out in your favor until now but almost nothing in your life is set in stone. An improvement in your attitude has the potential to dramatically improve your life. The mindset shifts and the actionable steps you’ll find below will help you build rewarding friendships with quality men.
Third, you don’t need too many friends as a man. It’s impossible for a man to maintain more than a handful of close male friendships so building a few good friendships can set you for life. More importantly, you’ll develop the necessary skills for not only being able to build friendships from scratch, but you’ll also learn a great deal about human nature which will improve your life in many other ways.
How To Make Friends
1. Improve Your Social Skills
Most people believe that you are either born with social skills or not. If you have low Emotional Intelligence (EQ), they say, you are expected to be socially awkward. Luckily, this is false. There’s no such thing as EQ. Ask Jordan Peterson if you don’t believe me. Skill is something that you master through practice, trial, error, and persistence. Social skills are no different. You master social skills just like you master any other skill.
Social skills can only be practiced and mastered by interacting with people. You don’t even need to be interested in forming any kind of a long-term relationship with the people you interact with. Talk to elderly people, cashiers, baristas, or any other person you come across during your day-to-day life. Small talk is fine. (Hint: The number one subject people are interested in is themselves. If you can make people talk about themselves, you’ll have little trouble keeping the flow of the conversations).
If you never took time to develop your social skills then it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious around strangers. Everyone feels a bit of anxiety around strangers and it never disappears completely. The sharks in the mainstream media will advise you to see a therapist for the non-existent “disease” of “Social Anxiety Disorder”. Bullshit. Don’t believe them. The anxiety is normal, it will always be there to a degree and it will subside to manageable proportions as you improve your social skills.
It’s good to have your social skills intact for the times when the opportunity knocks. High-quality people worth befriending are rare. You don’t want to come across as socially awkward when you meet a person you want to be friends with.
2. Cultivate Masculine Hobbies
Male friendships tend to form around a common purpose. That’s why many close friendships are formed during wars as it’s a time when men fight against a common enemy. Obviously, you don’t want a war to break out just to make friends. Cultivating masculine hobbies is a great way to find high-quality friends who share at least one common purpose with you.
Football, rugby, mixed martial arts, boxing, and strength training are examples of masculine sports which will put you in environments with other men who are eager to improve themselves and have fun while doing so. For example, I love playing football. I met two of my long-time friends through football. Although I no longer play football as much as I did in my younger years, the friendships I built during those years still stand strong. Hell, you don’t even need to play a sport to make friends out of your sports hobby. Many men become lifelong friends by supporting the same sports team, following and discussing their favorite team together.
Other masculine hobbies such as cars, travel, hunting, etc. are great ways to meet potential friends. Meeting like-minded men on the internet is also nothing to overlook. Join forums and social media groups about your hobbies. These platforms allow you to privately exchange messages with other members, which might lead to friendships. I still constantly meet great, like-minded men through travel forums.
3. Improve Your Physical Appearance
I know it sounds weird to recommend improving your appearance to make friends but being physically attractive will attract people into your life even when there’s no sexual agenda involved. Scientific research repeatedly proves that physically attractive people are more likable and more socially skillful3.
Every man can increase his physical attractiveness by getting shredded and building muscle. You don’t need to be born with attractive genetics. You don’t even need to be tall. Muscularity trumps height. Get your body in tiptop shape and dress well. Maximize your physical attractiveness. Your life will improve in every imaginable way and you’ll find it easier to meet people and make friends. People are drawn to winners like moths to the flame. Look like a winner.
4. Be Happy
Humans reflexively avoid gloomy, pessimistic people. I’m not saying that you should be jumping with joy at all times. Far from that. Gloominess is rather an inner state which can be subconsciously picked up by others. If you are unhappy inside, it will leak out even when you are laughing and smiling on the outside. People will pick up on that and avoid interacting with you.
Luckily, you don’t necessarily need to be living a perfect life to be happy and optimistic. We tend to feel happy when things are moving in the right direction and unhappy when things are trending bad.4.
Make improvements to your life that will lead you to a better future. Sleep better, work harder, read books, and build skills that will benefit you in the future. The idea is that once you feel your life starting to point to a better direction that promises a better future, you will feel happier inside. That inner state will start to make others want to be a part of your life. If you feel happy inside, you’ll ooze positivity and others will enjoy spending time with you. People want to be around other people who are a pleasure to be around.
5. Be Patient
Having friends is awesome and hopefully, you’ll form great friendships by following the principles outlined in this article.
Keep in mind that forming relationships takes time and effort. Don’t expect instant results. Don’t stoop to shortcuts. Having friends is often a byproduct of becoming a well-rounded person. Don’t rush it. You’ll enjoy countless benefits of improving yourself, making friends is just one of them. Be a winner and people will want to be your friends.
The challenge isn’t to make friends but to have options. If you don’t have options you will be stuck in toxic relationships and you will be taken advantage of. Having options will enable you to pick the best people as your friends.
Be sure to read:
- How to Be a Superior Man, Chapter 2: What Makes A Man A Superior Man
- How to Be a Superior Man, Chapter 3: Gain Direction
- How To Stop Being Socially Awkward
- How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection
- How to Stop Being Needy
- 21 Ways to Stop Being an Effeminate Modern Man and Be More Masculine
- “I Hate Myself”: How to Stop Self-Loathing
- Effect of social networks on 10 year survival in very old Australians: the Australian longitudinal study of aging, Lynne C Giles, Gary F V Glonek, Mary A Luszcz, Gary R Andrews. November 2004. Department of Rehabilitation and Aged Care, Flinders University.
- Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. Julianne Holt-Lunstad , Timothy B. Smith , J. Bradley Layton. July 2010.
- Beautiful is Good: Evidence that the Physically Attractive Are More Socially Skillful, William Goldman, Philip Lewis. December 1977. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
- Adams, S. (2014). How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life (p. 174). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.